November 21, 2008

They’ll make liars out of you.

So one nugget of wisdom in the pile of assvice* I keep hearing during this pregnancy is that kids will make liars out of you. And that’s exactly what just happened. Right after I go and announce to the whole world of the internets that I’m “feeling like myself again” Gizmo decides to teach me the important life lesson that it is possible to have heartburn so bad that you throw up. Who knew that could even happen?! It was clear that I have been feeling much better because I had no supplies to stop the puking. No ginger ale. No Kix cereal. No string cheese. Let’s just say it was a loooong night and by yesterday morning I was so out of it that when I called in sick to work I accidentally dialed Matt’s office and the receptionist had to explain that I didn’t work there. Yeah.

*Assvice = unsolicited advice. It ranges from just annoying, to borderline insulting, to straight-up rude. Examples include things that of course we’ve taken care of/really aren’t anyone else’s business such as finances (really? It’s going to cost a lot to have a baby? Wow we didn’t think of that at all); things that are SO not helpful such as “Oh you’re in the second trimester - you should feel better by now!” (The second trimester is when the migraines started. I’m glad it was all sunshine and roses for you but it might not be that way for everyone so stop telling me how I should feel); things that noone should have an opinion on other than the 2 people who actually created this baby such as “You definitely need to pick a common/uncommon/family/non-family/traditional/unique/religious/whatever name”; or things that are just plain wrong such as “crackers will calm your stomach down.” (Crackers are bull shit. I’ve thrown up every type of cracker known to man). The assvice seems to be getting worse the bigger I get so I can only imagine how bad it will be by the time I actually have this baby. I know people are just trying to help but seriously – leave the sick pregnant lady alone. She’s a bit crabby.

Anyways! In the interest of actually posting to the blog more I thought I’d throw up (pun intended) a few distractions for while you’re patiently waiting for me to upload the cute ultrasound pics and not so cute giant belly pics.

Distraction #1:

Cracked’s Craptions.

Matt showed me this site the other night in an attempt to cheer me up. I laughed so hard I gagged. Seriously good stuff - and all it is is funny pictures that readers can caption. Hiliarous.

Distraction #2:

People’s Sexiest Men as reviewed by Mamapop

I def agree with the top 3 but dude …Zack Morris is still alive? WTF? Also the omission of Christian Bale and Jason Bateman makes me sad inside.

Distraction #3:

The Baby Name Voyager

I love visual representations of information so clicking around on different names and watching the graphs move to see how things have trended is just fascinating. And the new Namipedia is awesome. Is it wrong that I rated both Jeanne and Matthew as the highest for all categories? Just stuffing the ballot box a little.... Oh and if you really want to get sucked down an internet rabbit hole click on the NameMapper. It shows the popularity of a name by state over time. And there goes 3 hours of your life.

Have a great weekend everyone! Oh and if you're in Lakewood tomorrow night we'll be bar hopping to celebrate Carolyn's 25th! I'm sensing another Malleys stop to that pub crawl...


  1. Anonymous9:37 PM

    Awww dude.. I'm sorry. I do hope it gets better for you. I had an episode sans (without baby)a couple of weeks ago and the best was just to let it all out. I see you've ended with chocolate so hopefully that will make Gizmo happy. ;) Chow!

  2. just ignore any advice you don't want to hear. laugh it off or tell them off if you really want. I know it can be annoying but people are just so excited for you even complete strangers and they want to share their experience with you because every baby is such a miracle when it finally arrives in its own way. my favorite overused line of advice that I hate, your life is never going to be the same again! it gets old, but sometimes they just don't know what else to say. I did love hearing all the labor stories, everyone is so different!

  3. LOL LOL LOL!!!

    I got the "you're so tiny!! Did you say 5 months? 6? 7? What, you're 8 months pregnant??!! You're so small"

    In the begining I actually thought I may have a stunted baby - but the doctor swears up and down the baby is fine so now I just say "yeah, I know, so how have you been?"

  4. I know I'm in the minority on this, but I really don't get the Michael Phelps thing. And Zac Efron? Really? I think you should be old enough to vote before you can be considered sexy. Or at least, you know, a MAN.

    I had such a crush on Jason Bateman. Back when he was friends with the Ricker on Silver Spoons. *sigh*

  5. I love the term "assvice." Perfect. I would like to be able to tell you that the assvice stops when Baby makes his/her appearance, but no. Nothing brings out the assvice more than a woman toting around a baby. By the time the 867th white-haired lady tells you that you need to "just let that baby cry" or to put baby cereal in their bottles, you will be quasi-homicidal.

    Aaaand, on that cheery note, you look awesome! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

  6. Thanks for the Craptions link!

    I hear ya -- two weeks ago, I was actually worried that my symptoms were so much less severe. Gnarly said, "Oh, no! Mommmy is worried! Let's make it worse!" And so it was. Yeah...


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