February 21, 2011

Kid's TV.

So I have more on how our daughter's been doing and how we've been surviving and all of that later. Right now? A brief aside. We've been watching a whole lot more TV than we normally do. When her painkillers wear off it's simply the best way to distract her. Especially in the middle of the night. I have some thoughts.

1.) I HATE the Disney Vault. No seriously, you guys, I motherfucking hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. Because right about now we would own the whole Disney collection* except we can't b/c of the vault. So we're stuck watching the same two movies over and over and over and over and over again.

2.) Oh the repetition. When I was pregnant the first time I bought our unborn child my favorite kids' movie ever. Sleeping Beauty. I couldn't wait to share it with my daughter. Now? If I have to watch "MOONIE, GIRL, NIGH-NIGH, MAN, UP" again you're going to find me in a corner rocking and muttering OnceuponaDream. So I added Beauty and the Beast to our repertoire (only one out of the damn vault) figuring that since both Matt and I had fond memories of it, it would hold up to multiple viewings. Un huh. Those songs? Haunt my dreams. Also as Matt asked me at 5AM the other night "Why does anyone even like Gaston. He's not that hot."
Also he's kindof a dick.
 3.) However, Disney is still King. I thought we could get away with some off brand animated kids movie and watched some generic princess something. Yeah. The songs were TERRIBLE. Also it may have resulted in me screaming things at the tv such as WAITING FOR A PRINCE IS NOT A VIABLE LIFE PLAN or IF A GUY EVER TREATS YOU LIKE THAT KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB. Which, probably not the most productive way to teach my daughter about independence, standing on her own two feet, etc.

At the zoo w grandma and a monkey
Calm down, mom.  I like primates but you have a long time before you have to worry about me dating one.

4.) RAWR CHOO CHOO. Yes. There is a television show called... wait for it... Dinosaur Train. Where Dinosaurs ride on a Train. It sounds completely random. Except that both of these are things that a toddler can get behind. I would love to have been in on the marketing meeting that came up with this one. 'Hey what's your toddler into?" "Dinosaurs and trains" "Brilliant. We're done here." Next up Helicopter Princess or Dog Car.

I can't make this shit up.
5.) My kid is not an idiot. She's just small. So much of the television out there treats my kid like she's straight up dumb. Not Ok with that. And Dora? Fits squarely into this category. Seriously, this is a billion dollar franchise with an entire song that is "I'm a MAP!" That's the entirety of the lyrics. I'm a Map. NO.

and by friend I mean "gullible kid whose parents will spend a fortune on my licensed merchandise"

6.) There's a reason Sesame Street has endured. And it's not their many marketing strategies. It's moderately educational**, the characters are relatable, and it doesn't make me stabby in any way. So bring on OOOR (elmo), COOKIE, and BIRDIE. Also every time I see the count I think of this and that's always a win:

7.) DJ Lance is a rockstar. That is all.

So wow. That got alot longer than I thought it would. Clearly I can't wait for a time when she can roam around without ending up in pain and I can turn the damn TV off.

She's officially crawling to chase dot.
I would roam now if you'd let me.  Screw what the doctor says.  Girl's gotta MOVE.
*We would own the whole Disney Collection except, of course, for Snow White. When I was a kid we took my two cousins to see this movie thinking it would be perfect for little girls. And both my mom and I were HORRIFIED. Have you ever seen this movie? The whole premise is that she's going to cook and clean for 7 little men until her prince comes along and rescues her. So many things wrong with this. So many. I vowed then and there that my kids would never be allowed to see it. I think I was like 12 at the time.

** Just a heads up. TELEVISION CANNOT REPLACE EDUCATING YOUR CHILD. Right now Nick Jr's whole schtick is "It's like preschool on your tv." Um. No. It's not. Stop it. I'm not that gullible. Even if you call your product Preschool or Einstein or whatever it's still just TV. And the end result is not an Einstein it's a kid who's quiet and sitting still for once. Market it that way. I'd respect you a whole lot more.


  1. I hear Bambi is coming out of the vault soon..LOL (what's with the vault thing anyway it is sooo dumb!)

  2. Preach it! Loved this post, especially about the part that toddlers aren't stupid. I didn't know about the Disney vault, so thanks for the warning. And I hate to be all "did you try the library" for the Disney movies, but, um, did you try the library? ;)

    Hope the little darlin' is doing well, and that someone is taking care of you, too!

  3. Great post! I am SO not looking forward to Kid TV when I have a kid. We have stocked up on Disney movies, and continue to find good deals at a store called Buy Backs. I know there are several in the area, so you might want to try looking there.

  4. Anonymous11:42 AM

    While you're waiting for Disney to increase the demand for their stuff, by limiting the supply (it's all about money, folks), go I'll second the idea to check out the local library. I'm sure they have Disney stuff. And bonus, you can put holds on the one(s) you want and they'll call/email you when they're ready. LoveLoveLove the library!

    Other good kid fare - Shrek (that princess kicks butt), and Wallace and Gromit. W&G are short, but they're really cool, even for grown ups. Netflix has a whole mess of Shaun the Sheep dvds, which are a spin-off of W&G. I haven't seen them, but they look good, too.

    Good luck!! - Connie B.

  5. Audrey LOVES Dinosaur Train, and she's 6! I think she's actually learning a bit about the different dinosaur types, and she is old enough that Mike and I can have conversations like "when do you suppose Buddy is going to eat his family?" without freaking her out.

    Trust me - it's much better than Strawberry Shortcake videos.

  6. Oh Jeanne! You have me about howling with laughter and tears at work... had to share some of it with my coworkers as they wanted to know what was so amusing! Hang in there!

    PS - is she too young for some pixar? (i'm not used to thinking about things for a kids perspective)

  7. I loveeeee Sesame Street! Great post!

  8. Anonymous1:08 PM

    Also check out Anastasia and Quest for Camelot if you can. They are not Disney, but are good and the girls are (like in Shrek) kick butt characters.

    What Connie said is 100% correct. The that is the only reason why the vault exists. They would explain that to the employees when I worked there years ago. Also, you should check out the local library the should have some kids' shows and movies.

    I can't say much about Sesame Street, I have never cared much for it, but yo gabba gabba scares me. :)

  9. I think we all reach a point in our parenting careers where a TV rant comes out:

    The Disney Vault drives me crazy. My mom has ALL the Disney movies on VHS so M has seen them all there and wants to watch them here. We've had hit and miss luck with the library. But here's a tip: Amazon almost always has the cheapest prices when something "comes out of the vault"

    And I know that tv is not a classroom but I'll be damned if Super Why and an annoying Leap Pad video didn't teach M to read.


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